https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8rvf8QK/
This quick video has some powerful words on the importance of having just one person who we know is there for us no matter what and is looking out for us. I thought this was also important in light of it recently being #WorldMentalHealthDay.
My one person is Lindsey ‘Moore’ Pettengill. As someone who has Generalized Anxiety Disorder and ADHD, I can get pretty stressed at times. At times my fears and anxieties can overwhelm me and I feel very connected to some of the gloomier Psalms in the scriptures.
When my GAD and ADHD are working overtime I can feel restless, and irritable, I can let intrusive thoughts take over which then impacts my sleep and energy levels. I can be present but my mind is somewhere else.
I have a tendency to want things to be perfect (or at least in my mind what perfect looks like). I think I am like this due to several things. One of those is that I had to do many things on my own when I was younger and had to grow up and take a lot more responsibility than many others my age. This at times can fill me with an unhealthy need to try to make everyone happy. I have always reveled in being the friend who went with the flow and did what others wanted, being the one who others said was “low maintenance”. The reality is in my head I am thinking…
I hope everyone is happy…
I hope they like me being their friend…
I hope they keep wanting me to go to stuff with them…
With ADHD there is this symptom called “Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria” where we can be highly sensitive to rejection. This rejection can be either real or perceived (The perceived part is where GAD can make that very challenging).
I notice this most in areas that are important to me like my role as a pastor. The truth is I want people to like me, however being a pastor whether it is in a large, medium, or small church not everyone is going to like you. I was reminded recently of this when I read this quote…
“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”.
Dita Von Teese
Yet, with an anxiety disorder, one of the most frustrating things can be understanding that this is reality, that everyone liking you is impossible AND at the same time not having the lack of ability to shut down the stressful and anxious thoughts that come with feeling rejected whether real or perceived.
Pastoring has always been challenging but it has gotten even more so in the last several years, and believe me, having mental health issues to go along with that does not make that any easier.
Being a pastor is not just a job for me, I don’t do this because I want to make a lot of money or be famous. I am a pastor because I felt that call on my heart as a junior in high school to go into the ministry. My faith is very important to me and therefore the Church is very important to me. There is a tendency within myself to think “If I just work really hard, plan extremely well, and overcommunicate all of my ideas and reasonings THEN of course everyone will get on board, everyone will be pleased, and will be supportive.”
When you say this out loud you logically understand this is not a realistic possibility. I learned this very early on in ministry yet I still have to remind myself quite often. Post undergrad when I was in my first full-time youth/associate pastor position in my early 20’s I had A LOT to learn. There was one week in particular that stands out to me as I reflect on these things today. During that week I had one parent approach me and say something to the effect of “Dave, I think you are planning too many serious things for the youth (Bible studies, etc.) and they need to be having more fun things like pizza parties, overnighters, bowling parties”. Then, I kid you not, later that same week I had a different parent come to me and say, “Dave, I think you are planning way too many fun things for the youth, they need to be spending much more time in deep prayer and Bible study”. I had to do my best not to chuckle because they had no idea that I had someone come in earlier that week and say the exact opposite of them. No matter how well I planned, how well I communicated, no matter how nice I was, and no matter how well I listened, I was going to make decisions that someone liked and others did not. At times it will require me to lead people where they need to go, but they don’t necessarily want to go. This reminds me of what Rosalynn Carter said of being a great leader…
A great leader takes people where they don’t necessarily want to go, but ought to be.
Rosalynn Carter- Former First Lady
If you are connected to the Church as laity or clergy, you know that we are in a very delicate place in Western culture. We are definitely in a post-Christian culture (which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just different). 31% of all churches have under 50 in attendance, 24% have between 100-249, and 8% have between 250 and above. 1 Yes, there are still churches that you will see that have 1,000, 2,000, or more people but that is an extreme minority of churches.
You do not have to look far on the internet to find many articles on the challenges that accompany these statistics that talk about the decline of U.S. churches, more churches closing than opening, more of the younger generations not being connected to the church, less and less young people deciding to go into the ministry, and the list could go on.
This of course tends to fill us with two extremes of thought…
The first is where pastors & laity carry this heavy weight of “We have to innovate or die!” I fully admit I have a tendency to go this route because a big part of my personality/leaning is of the apostolic thinking of asking where can we start new things to be the church today. If I am not maintaining my mental health or my spiritual health this can fill me with dread, fear, and an intense weight on myself where I feel like I have to be the one to make this happen or I will be a total failure. When I try to carry this weight (which is not mine or yours to carry) I spend a lot of physical, mental, and emotional energy trying to plan things “just right” or to “make it perfect” (meaning I did my best to do all of the research I couple possibly do to look at solutions). When I place this weight on myself it places my hope in my strength and abilities instead of what God is able to do. Whether I say it out loud or not (or other clergy & laity say it to themselves) we are saying, “I have to save the local church!” So, when I carry this inappropriate burden and someone doesn’t like my plans, ideas, visions, etc. it can make me feel like they are rejecting me not just my ideas. If I am in an unhealthy mental place this can make me feel like, “I must have failed, I didn’t do a good job communicating, if I had just planned better, had more details, and tried harder to get buy-in, then everyone would have supported this”. If you ever fall into this trap like I do please understand those statements are untrue. Now, this doesn’t mean you don’t have to try to communicate well, listen to others’ thoughts, or try to bring people along, but you will never ever get everyone on board with the decisions you make! The difficult reality that I have to remind myself of and maybe you need to hear today as well is when I am focused on being liked or getting everyone to agree with me I stop leading. When my focus is on being liked or people thinking I am nice then I lose sight of my purpose as a pastor. This shifts my focus from being on “Are we living out our vision to accomplish our mission” to “What does everyone think of me and do they agree with me?“
This reminds me of another quote from an unknown author…
“External validation is like sea water. The more you drink, the thirstier you become. The only two people you should worry about making proud are your 8 year old self, and your 80 year old self. The rest is just noise.”
Unknown
So, in whatever ways we may need to lead whether that is in the church, in our community, or in our families, we have to remember that not everyone will like you, not everyone will agree with every decision you make and that is ok. Most likely in the church if there are not a few Christians who are annoyed, frustrated, or upset with you it probably means that the church isn’t really doing anything and is just coasting.
The second extreme thought process that tends to occur when people look at the declining number of churches and aging congregations is rather than an overwhelming sense of anxiety-filled burden, is instead a spirit of apathy or selfishness. Rather than the changing climate spurring us on in a flurry of action to fix things quickly, we instead can have a mindset where we say, “Well, if the church closes then so be it, there is nothing we can really do, so let’s just hunker down, do what we (more I) like, until we can’t do it any longer”. This can lead churches to unknowingly adopt “comfort” as their number one value. This reminds me of a quote/synapsis I read recently from a fellow friend and clergy member (Leo C.) that came from the Dean and Vice President for Academic Affairs and Associate Professor of Homiletics and Hebrew Bible at The Methodist Theological School in Ohio who shared at their local Black Clergy Retreat…
“Comfort is not a spiritual gift.”
Dean Valerie Bridgman
What was meant by this and how my fellow clergy friend Leo summarized it was how congregations can get too comfortable and just want to take it easy. They can adopt the mindset, “Give me what I want, when I want it, and how I want it. Don’t challenge me. Don’t have high expectations of discipleship. I don’t want to carry my cross.”
When it comes to my mental health and my role as a pastor I am reminding myself and you there is a third and better option. We can choose to have a non-anxious presence, and not be apathy-filled or selfishly focused. We can understand as the Bob Dylan song says, “The Times They Are A-Changin”, so we have to be open to new ways, to reach new people, in new places, and to keep our vision and mission as the church at the forefront of all we do. Yet, we do not have to carry the burden of keeping the local church open. You may be open, teachable, and keep your eyes focused on your purpose and your local church may still someday close its doors. Local churches may at times close their doors, but the Church of Jesus will always continue! So, be faithful in all you can as you put your trust in Christ alone.
To those of you who may be adopting the more apathy-filled mindset of “well, the church is gonna close anyways so it doesn’t matter what we do” or a more self-centered mindset of “well, if the church is probably going to close anyway then I don’t want to do anything new or different, I want us to do what I like until we can’t anymore (and hopefully that is not until after I die)” I urge you to remember what Christ is able to do when we put our trust in him and when we have even a small amount of faith. That if the doors of the church are still open then we still have a purpose that we are called to live out! May we remember that this is not my church or your church, it is Christ’s church. May we not retreat behind the closed doors of the sanctuary transitioning the church into a religious country club of comfort, but let us choose to be faithful, putting our hope in Christ so that no matter what happens we can know we have stayed the course and remained true to our mission.
Friends let us be faithful, remember who we are in Christ, and trust God with the rest.
- https://churchanswers.com/blog/the-new-very-large-church/comment-page-1/ ↩︎
