What percent is your phone battery at right now? What percent is your personal well-being at right now?
People today tend to be more aware of how low our phone battery life is, and less aware of our own bodies mental, physical, and spiritual needs. There are times that we get filled with concern if it is 2:00 p.m. in the afternoon and our phone battery is significantly lower than it usually is. We start looking for a charger to plug our phones in even if they are still above 50% battery life. How often, when our bodies are feeling depleted of energy, do we just keep plugging along? We push through till the end of the day, crashing on the couch exhausted, only to repeat things the next day?
My personal journey…
I was thinking about this recently as I feeling a little defeated and low on energy. As many of you know, my family moved to a new city this summer as I was appointed to a new church. Moving takes a lot out of you as there are so many transitions that are taking place. For us it not only meant a new church for me to pastor, but also a new church for my whole family. It meant my wife finding a job at a new hospital, my kids going to a new school, and many other changes. Moves are stressful and draining even in the most positive of circumstances.
Holy Discontent
However, recently I have noticed myself feeling more than just a tiredness from a move, but something else weighing on my heart. The best way I can think to describe it is a holy discontent. Having been in ministry roles with children, youth, and adults in the United Methodist Church for over 21 years I have experienced many highs and lows. I have enjoyed amazing times where I have led many people to Christ and see them filled with joy at encountering God’s love and grace. I have encountered the excitement when something about the Christian faith and the way of Jesus connects with someone and you see the fire of the Holy Spirit work in their lives. The satisfaction of seeing the people of God recognizing the need to share the good news of Jesus through their words and their actions. I have seen God’s love and grace proclaimed, I have seen the widow and orphans cared for, the poor clothed, the hungry fed, and the prisoner cared for. These are the types of things that truly kindle that fire in my soul for ministry and make me want to keep going.
I have also experienced very frustrating and low times during my time in ministry. Times when people in the church have said incredibly hurtful and demeaning things to me. Situations where churches spent countless hours bickering and fighting with one another over personal preferences. Places where people were able recite our mission and vision as a church, but spent countless hours on things that ultimately didn’t matter. I have experienced churches that let a few power hungry people hold onto control in the church, even when they knew this was taking them further down a path towards death and closure. I have experienced churches identifying those things that are important to them like missions, outreach, children’s ministries, small groups, discipleship, only for no one to want to give their time or energy to help them become a reality.
Ministry can be extremely difficult! I remember one time years ago a man probably in his upper 70’s/early 80’s that I had never met before (but I guess was a member) attended a finance meeting. This man came with a very specific agenda, he wanted to tear down previous pastors who led at the church. I informed this man I understood his frustration, but this was not what we would be doing in that meeting. I informed him we would be using our time to focus on the current financial situation of the church and work towards solutions, and we would not be using our time to tear down people who weren’t there. This infuriated him so much he began to say incredibly nasty things to me. I told him his time for talking was up and that we were moving on. He kept yelling, so I informed him he could calm down and stay or he could leave but he was done speaking. This man stood up from the table, came over to where I was sitting, stood next to me with balled up fists like he was preparing to punch me, continued saying terrible things to me, while I sat there. Everyone around the table just watched this happen, while I told this man that we were continuing with our meeting, and he could now choose to leave or I would call someone who would remove him from the building. Believe me, it was incredibly difficult for me to just sit there, try to be calm, and not knock that dude out. However, I kept my cool the best that I could and he eventually left. Did I get to go home after this situation? Nope, I got to stay and help lead the finance meeting for the next hour or so. Those are things you don’t learn about in Bible college or seminary!
The Role of Pastors and the Expectations that Follow
The role of a pastor is really odd and has changed a lot over the decades. Often pastors are expected to be exceptional public speakers, terrific Bible teachers, writers, administrative experts, financial gurus, caring counselors, studious scholars, community outreach leaders, mentors, visionary leaders, wedding and funeral officiants, leaders of staff and volunteers, pastoral caregivers, worship leaders, mediators for people working through differences, social workers, events managers, fundraisers, recruiters, and public relations. I am sure I have left some things off of this list, but even as you look as these lists of expectations I believe we start to understand that there is no way that one person could excel at all of these roles.
Yet, for many pastors this is the reality that people often want and expect. Now, people may not say they want all of this, but what you end up encountering is each person wants/desires something different. One person wants you to be like a previous pastor who excelled at pastoral care and always called everyone on their birthday, never forgot to send couples a card on their anniversary, always knew when to visit someone in the hospital, and visited the homebound members every month. Another person wants the pastor to figure out how to bring in more funds because the savings of the church have been quickly declining over the past 20 years. Another person wants the pastor to preach or teach like their favorite preacher they watch on their TV or they have seen online. Another person want to see detailed plans the pastor has for the future because we need to be providing more service opportunities, more outreach opportunities, more community events, while other people want the pastor to keep maintaining what has always been done. One person wants the pastor to spend their energy recruiting more people to lead in various ministries, while another thinks they should be providing more Bible studies. One person expects the pastor to be in the office from 9-4 each day while another will question why the pastor is in their office and not out visiting people. The list of roles and expectations can be exhausting. While all of this is going on within the walls of the church, the communities and the cultures around the Church are quickly changing. Churches often desire a return to their “glory days” instead of opening themselves up to new faithful and fruitful ways to be the Church today. Churches often hold onto the methods of how they do things much tighter than they do the mission (purpose) of the Church.
Time for some vulnerability…
Because of all these various pressures through the years, I have ended up spending a lot of time and energy feeling like as the pastor I need to figure something out to turn things around. There are times I have felt like my job as a pastor was to figure out how to totally renovate and reinvigorate the whole church, to get it to do what it needs to do to be faithful and fruitful. When I feel like I haven’t been able to accomplish that it can leave me feeling like a failure and an imposter.
If I am honest over the years I have spent much too much time being insecure in who God has made me to be. Because of that, I end up spending a lot of physical and mental energy trying to prove to people that I am a good pastor. There are times this desire morphs into wanting to people to be happy, to approve what I do, because if they like me, and approve what I do, then I must not be a bad pastor, and therefore not a bad person. There are times that I have been filled with fear that if I don’t try to prove myself, that if I don’t “succeed”, that if I don’t make people happy, if they don’t think I am a good pastor then it will lead to even more pain. There are times I have worried that by standing firm in who God says I am and how God has uniquely gifted me that it would lead to people being angry, which would cost me my job, which would affect my families livelihood, and things would come crumbling down. Yet, by caving into those thoughts and pressures it causes me to lose sight of how God sees me, and causes me to lose sight of how God uniquely has made me.
I share these things openly because I know there are many pastors and people in ministry out there who feel similarly. There are those who are older than myself, who are feeling very weary and burned out but are trying to hang on a few more years until they can retire. There are those who are in their earlier 50’s, 40’s, and mid 30’s who realize (like myself) that this path is not healthy and is not sustainable for another 15-30 years, but aren’t sure what they can do to be “recharged” or “rejuvenated”. There are those in the early 30’s and late/mid 20’s who have finished school and training to be in the ministry and are quickly realizing that ministry in the church is much different than they imagined and are now looking for a way out (which is where we see around 80% of people leave the ministry within the first five years after graduating school). Then there are those in their early 20’s who thought or planned to go into the ministry but looked out and saw so many people who have given years of their lives in the ministry but feel worn-out, beaten down, and struggling and decide they are going to pursue a different path.
So, what am I learning? What hope am I holding onto as I share this lament?
- Remembering Whose I Am
I am the first born son from a divorced family who spent many years trying to pull my own weight, prove my worth, and to show I wasn’t a burden. Because of this I often pride myself on working hard so I cannot be viewed as lazy or worthless. Yet, God is reminding me (and hopefully reminding you too) that your identity is not based in what you do or accomplish.
We are told in John 1:12, “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God”
That is who I am, I am not my job, I am not my “successes” or “failures”, but I am a dearly loved child of God and no matter what others think about me or say about me nothing can change that. The same is true for you!
- Remembering Who I Am
God did not create me to be anyone else than who I am. God beautifully and uniquely created you as well! In the United Methodist Church in which I serve we have what is called “The Book of Discipline” which lays out various things around our beliefs and ways we are organized. Within the BOD is a part that describes what the role of a pastor is. It is both extensive and vague at times. Because of this it can lead many in ministry to do what I suggested early where we try to be the expert in so many areas while juggling endless expectations. This only leads to frustration and burnout.
I am not there yet, but I am becoming more comfortable knowing what I have been created to do and what I have not been created to do. In the United Methodist Church each year churches fill out what is called a “Church Profile” where they share some general statistics around the church, as well as problems/challenges in the community, trends they foresee in the next 5 years, goals, and resources. Within the church profile they also share what expectations and strengths they desire in pastoral leadership. As pastors we have to fill out a “pastor profile” where we mark down successes and challenges we have encountered as well as what are our visions for ministry are and the strengths we bring. Our cabinet consisting of the Bishop, District Superintendents, and sometimes other leaders are involved in praying over the churches and pastors and then aligning them based on the churches needs and the pastors gifts.
When I reflect on that process it reminds me that when I am appointed to a church as a pastor that I am appointed to bring my full self, and not expected to be someone I am not. For example, I am not the kind of pastor that is always going to remember to call everyone…actually I hate talking on the phone haha! I am not one who wants to plan and attend lots of meetings…especially when they could be an email instead. I like to vision and strategize for the future, offering guidance in next steps, so that we can faithfully live out our vision in fulfillment of our mission. I do not like to micro-manage or hand hold people to get things done, but rather trust people to lead in the various areas they serve as we seek to fulfill our mission. I am not a super formal CEO style pastor who wants to lead board meetings as we crunch numbers, instead I am more of a pastor who likes wearing cargo shorts and tennis shoes, while I listen to 90’s grunge and alternative music, hang out with kids and parents on a baseball field or basketball court, investing in a few people who can then grow in their faith and become leaders themselves. I would rather preach and teach than work with teams on replacing carpet in the sanctuary or updating lighting fixtures. I am much more geared to vision and seek innovations for the future of the church than wanting to expend energy continuing in the status quo.
In light of my personal revelations I am becoming more comfortable being me. You might be thinking similar things to the small and sometimes not so small anxious voice that lives in the back of my head says like…
Dave what if people don’t like “you being you”?
What if they want a more hand-holding pastor, who walks everyone through meetings and details to make sure everything gets done?!? What if they want a more-formal CEO style pastor? What if they want a pastor who loves all of the nitty-gritty administrative work? What if…. (and the list could go on)
That’s not who I am.
What if that makes people upset you are not willing to lead like that?
That is not who I am, so that is not my baggage to carry. Who others desire or want me to be doesn’t determine who I am or how I have been gifted to lead. Pleasing others was never the mark of being a faithful or good pastor. Being who others want me to be will never fulfill who God has made me to be.
Now, this doesn’t mean that I (or you) should become calloused or not open to growing as people. It is important to remember this! There are plenty of ways that I can grow as a person and as a pastor. We should always remain open to hearing the Holy Spirit speak into our heart and minds of ways we could become more like Jesus. Yet, this is significantly different than being who others want me to be or who others want you to be.
As I close…
I want to encourage you, whether you are a pastor, in another ministry role, or lay person, to find your identity in Christ. Rest in knowing that God fully knows you and loves you. If you have given your heart and life to God, then you are a child of God! I also want to encourage you to take time to pray, seek God, journal, and reflect on how God has uniquely made you to be exactly who you are. Then let God mold and shape you to be the best version of yourself! Not who others want you to be, but who God had made you to be. When you rest in who God says you are and who you have been created to be then you will experience peace and it is then that you will be exactly who the world deeply needs you to be.
